As I work in my calling, I am reminded why I used all sorts of substances, and other cunning diversion techniques to escape the reality of my pain. The struggle is real. Suddenly, it is clear, why pain is often camouflaged with masks, overachievement, status, social media popularity, and the like. It is difficult to face your scars, reopen them, ask God for healing, forgive yourself and others, and MOVE ON! Many proclaim, “my past is the past” I beg to differ. There are some who were told that they were failures, hence the unconscious need to prove that they are successful. Others may have been abused, and struggle in relationships. Then there are those like myself that have an eclectic array of abuse, neglect, self-hatred, and etc. to fill the Grand Canyon.
I simply must get it out. I have to mull over those seemingly irrelevant details of my past that cause my greatest subconscious battles. It is okay to perform routine psychoanalysis towards healing with the sovereignty of God as your compass. Counter-productivity arises when we refuse to grow from our past, thus remaining in bondage to events that are ancient history. My excruciating pain is giving God glory. As the man who attempted to obtain healing for years on end had to face his ailment, get in position for healing, and receive deliverance from Jesus, one cannot be made well by denying that there is the existence of “something” that has them bound. John 5
The tormenting purpose that I carry must be birthed. I began writing my manuscript roughly 2 months ago. It took me about 2 weeks. In my naiveté, I thought I was finished. Similar to a child that wolf’s down the most unpleasant part of a meal only to hear their parent say, “you’re not done!” God is calling me to let the stink out. The smelly, detestable, abhorrent trauma, must come out. I am both pregnant and barren; I am pregnant with excruciating purpose and barren with brokenness. My counterintuitive state is divinely illogical. This process is maturing and hurting, joyous yet bitter, cleansing whilst evoking painful memories.
When the smoke clears, I will stand triumphantly toting that which once carried me. Prayerfully, transparency and prose will reveal the love of Jesus to another hurting individual. Foolishly, many expect to come to God and watch their troubles drift away with the tiny ripples of the sea. To the contrary, God calls us to do things that seem impossible, stand when everyone else crumbles, rejoice in our suffering. Are his expectations cruel or unrealistic? Never! God only requests of us what He knows we can do with His power. To further this, He came in flesh to live out his expectations before our very eyes. As I strive for greatness through my pain, to reach those overcome by pain, I am privy to an unlimited supply of God’s love, power, mercy, and grace. Join me.
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